new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
