did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
