At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
