peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
