I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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