she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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