Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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