Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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