Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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