If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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