totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
