i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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