I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
