We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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