We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
