hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had to cum in my sink.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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