Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
