i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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