Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
