someone threw a dead crab at me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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