I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
