No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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