she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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