I got chris browned last night
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
