I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
