the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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