She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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