I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
