My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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