I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
