Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
