It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
