watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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