Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
