I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
