oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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