she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
