Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
