The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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