oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
