I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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