She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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