My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
