He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
