I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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