Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
