Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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