A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
