peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
