Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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