Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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