rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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