We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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