I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
