6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
