She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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